UP TO SPEED - Do As I Say-But Not As I- Say?

by Dan Silver…

I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard during coaches corner as I did  during the leaf suck-fest against the Habs.  Don Cherry lashed out against the Leaf management for publicly stating their low expectations of the players and organization.  Cherry insists the Leafs are much better and stronger than they were last year.  Ron Mclean then asked Cherry if the Leafs would make the playoffs in which Cherry responded- “No-not this year”.

Welcome to the third line checking unit Don.

Pen Pals

Bryan Dudenhefer was arrested fifteen minutes after being released from prison for trying to steal a car…..in the police parking lot in which he was released.  That might give some comfort to the second dumbest person in the universe-that being Ryan Hollweg of course, who annihilated Alex Pietrangelo of the St.Louis Blues from behind.

Hollweg came fresh off a 2 game suspension for annihilating Jay Mckee of the St.Louis Blues from behind a week before.  Maybe Bryan and Ryan can one day share a cell together in St.Louis and trade stories.  They could even videotape their escape attempts, (most likely minutes after they arrive in sing sing) and send it to America’s funniest home videos!

Maybe prison will teach Hollweg the true hart of getting hit from behind.

Idiots.

No Pals Of The Pens

I recently went to a movie called “Traitor” with absolutely no idea what it was about, I just assumed it starred ex-penguin Marrian Hossa leaving his cold battered baby penguins to die.

I mean, to abandon your mates only to join the team who stole the cup from your old ruffled feathers should be considered treason!  No trial, no jury, just carve him up like a Turkey and be done with it!

The worst part is how Detroit fans have made him the poster boy for their attempted repeat of being Stanley cup champions.  Has anyone done their research on Hossas before squandering millions of dollars?

Hossa just might go down as the worst playoff performer in NHL history!  Still don’t believe me?  The high flying sniper has accumulated a whopping…….are you ready……brace yourselves…….13 goals in 56 games in 7 years of playoff runs!!!  That’s about one goal every five games!

Just think of all the Octupus one can get for that dough.

Playoffs require hard work, commitment, and sacrifice….three words you won’t find in the Slovakian dictionary.  If you can’t beat ‘em might as well join ‘em huh Marrian?

Pathetic.

Jolly Green Giant

If we morphed Nik Anthropov and Alexi Ponikarovsky into one giant Eurpoean meatball, it would stand over 13 feet tall, weigh over 5oo pounds, and it still wouldn’t hit, fight, or score.

The Habs pulverized the withering buds all night at the home opener, and they did it without Laraque, Higgins, or Francis Boullion!

And the only response from the Leafs was from pipsqueak Dominic Moore who took a ten step running crosscheck into Mike “The Wall” komisarek.  Naturally he was penalized for it, and luckily for Moore the dirty hit probably felt like a mosquito bite to Komisarek, which could have had him suspended.

Moore better kiss his wife twice goodbye next time the Habs are in town, if he’s smart he should avoid entering Komisarek-ville for a while.

Now That’s Gotta Hurt

After re-hab, a long term suspension, and prison, Mark Bell was denied a spot on the “new leaf” roster, and was sent back to prison!…..ok ok maybe not prison, but junior hockey aint too far off.

You telling me a back to back 20 goal scorer for the Blackhawks who hits and fights aint good enough for the Leafs???  The earth shattering hit he layed on Alfredson in the last game of the season last year should have granted him captaincy!

Hell the sound of Alfie’s head hitting the ice should be the theme song for Hockey Night In Canada!

For that-I’ll always remember you Mark.

Perhaps it’s bad P.R. to have 2 guys on the same checking unit with a criminal record.  I wonder which dummy will complete the package?

A FIRST: THE TOsports MAILBAG

By English Paul…

Today I present my first mailbag for TOsports. A big thanks to those who contacted me with your contributions.

Please be advised that the views expressed in this column are purely those of English Paul. They do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone connected with TOsports, expect for any comments on how bad the Cincinnati Bengals really are.

The first email was received in connection to the quote I started my last column with.

Q. Hey, while I agree with the quote (Maurice Clarett is one I thought you would use for sure) I think there is one man who finally reached his limit for stupidity……Lawrence Phillips.

EP. Yes, Maurice Clarett is someone I’m familiar with, as a result of the Broncos drafting him in 2005. Believe me, the list could have gone on forever with all the people I was thinking of. I actually put Isiah Thomas on at one point, but decided to give him a break after the recent headlines surrounding him. Ironically, his apparent accidental overdose and subsequent attempts to put it on his daughter offer even more proof that he belongs on the list.

Turning to Lawrence Phillips, I don’t actually think he HAS reached his limit yet. Let’s be honest, this guy has been to the last chance saloon about fifty times, yet he’s still screwing up. Phillips is on a path of self-destruction and doesn’t seem willing to hit the brakes (no pun intended.) It’s sad to say this, but another meltdown is imminent, whether in prison or whenever he gets out.

Q. Steve Stamkos has zero points so far this season in the NHL. If he wasn’t the number one draft pick, do you think Tampa would have sent him back to junior level by now?

EP. As much as Stamkos (I have to admit, I typed his name as Stankos by mistake) has been struggling, I wouldn’t send him back to the juniors. Tampa Bay is thinking long-term with this guy. Sometimes, it’s best to just go out there and get ‘stuck in’. Take your lumps and bruises and learn on the job. You find out a lot about someone in how they deal with adversity.

Yes, he’s the number one overall draft pick, but I hope too much is not being expected just yet. Come on! The kid’s only 18 and he’s playing for a team, which, let’s face it, stinks. Tampa Bay had the least points in the NHL last season and aren’t doing much better in 2008/09. Stamkos will continue to get better as his physical strength improves and he gains experience. Trust me, he’s going to be special.

(Ironically enough, since I received this question, Stamkos has earned his first point of the season in a win against, who else, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Snotty-nosed little punk. Who the hell does he think he is?!)

Q. If you were able to choose who graced the cover of EA sports Madden 2009, who would you pick and why? How about the NBA, MLB and NHL versions?

EP. If Brett had stayed retired, I would have stuck with him. As things stand though, I would have picked Tom Brady. Super Bowl loss or not, he passed for 50 TDs’, was awarded league MVP and won 18 straight games. And his season-ending injury would have been perfect, adding further evidence to the ongoing ‘Madden cover curse’ theory.

For the NBA cover, I’d go with Chris Paul. He was sensational last season, in the running for league MVP and to my knowledge, never had any rape charges made against him. The NHL cover is a no-brainer. It has to be Sid the Kid. Overchkin may have won the MVP award, but he was on the cover in 2007. Besides, Crosby is the game’s biggest name and he’s started to fulfil his potential, helping Pittsburgh advance to the finals last season.

Finally, there’s no EA sports game for Baseball, but if there was, I’d vote for Barry Bonds, in honour of breaking the career home run record. I’m joking of course. I’d go with Johan Santana, who has the advantage over the other three of not getting knocked out of the playoffs. Then again, he didn’t even MAKE the playoffs. Geez, what a bunch of losers.

Q. If you had to go with 10 players on the field for an NFL game, which position would you delete…………..in other words, which is the most irrelevant position. This applies to both offence and defence.

EP. Let’s assume we are talking about standard offensive and defensive (3-4 or 4-3) formations on first and 10. Removing a position from one side of the ball would automatically influence how the other side line up and who they take out. For example, if you remove one of the wide receivers on offence, you can take out a cornerback from the defence. Likewise, remove the halfback and one of the safety’s could come out.

It also depends which team you’re talking about. For example, if an offence is stronger in the passing game, then an element of the running game could theoretically be removed, but who? The fullback, who can stay in to block or the halfback, who can catch passes out of the backfield? What about an offensive lineman? If the defence is a superior blitzing team, you need all the help you can get in protecting the quarterback. And the tight end can help out with both elements so that counts him out.

In conclusion, I don’t think any of the positions on a team can really be considered more irrelevant than the rest. Apart from the third-string quarterback on any Brett Favre team, the New Orleans Saints punter and the entire Cincinnati Bengals team.

Q. Toronto question given your Toronto bias is blatantly obvious. Jose Calderon has officially become the ‘undisputed floor leader’ for the Raps according to local media agents. Do you think he’s proven he can handle the pressure, extra playing time, etc?

EP. In a word, yes. The improvement made by Calderon between his first year with the Raptors and last season has been impressive and, if the truth be known, pleasantly surprising. The injuries to T.J. Ford also helped speed up Calderon’s development. This was especially true last season, when Ford had extended periods on the sidelines, thus proving that Jose can handle the extra pressure and extended playing time. And don’t forget his excellent decision-making, leading to the best assist to turnover ratio in the entire NBA last season.

All in all, I reckon Calderon will become one of the NBA’s top five point guards this season. But that could just be because of my blatant Toronto bias.

Q. Why was it such a big deal to postpone the World Series by two days? Sure it got rained out…..it’s not like they have to squeeze games in later because of scheduling conflicts.

A. What do you want from me? You’ve pretty much answered it yourself! I agree though, I don’t understand why there was such a fuss. It made prefect sense to me. You couldn’t continue in those conditions. Baseball isn’t meant to be played in the rain. If anything, the MLB is lucky that they’ve never had to deal with this problem before, given how long the league has been around.

Q. Forbes recently valued all the teams in the NHL and the average value was $220 million ($448 the highest, $142 the lowest.) The average value of NFL franchises is over 1 billion dollars. Why the massive discrepancy?

A. Great. Just what I need. A question where I actually have to give the answer some serious thought.

There have been a lot of new stadiums built in the NFL over the last ten years, more so than the other leagues. I’m thinking this is part of the reason.

But possibly the main reason, and I only discovered this recently, is because the NFL forbids corporate ownership of teams. This is not the case with the other leagues. As such, the teams are normally bought/owned by individuals with lots of money (prime example Daniel Snyder.)

The NFL is the most popular league in North America, often commanding the biggest T.V. contracts. This is helped by the fact that the league is renowned for being more competitively balanced than the NBA, NHL and MLB. This results in lots of close and exciting games and more teams capable of winning the Super Bowl.

What does all of this actually mean? People with serious money are prepared to bid big dollars to own an NFL team. A lot of these owners then almost treat the team as their toy. They have so much money that they are prepared to pump lots of cash into the organisation to improve the facilities, playing conditions, etc, thus increasing the value of the team further.

Q. Didn’t some athlete make a comment a while ago about $37 million not being enough to support his family? He either turned down the money, or was traded or something of that nature. I know nothing much about this, but one of my friends mentioned it to me in passing the other day.

EP. This gets the award for ‘most enthusiastic yet clueless e-mail attempt of the week.’ Nice effort though. I have NO idea who the hell you’re talking about. I think we can all safely agree though that $37 million not being enough to support your family is utter bollocks.

Ok, that seems like a good place to end the first TOsports mailbag, but hey, let’s do this again sometime soon.

Paul Taylor can be contacted at englishpaul@hotmail.co.uk

Wake Up with Horror Movie Hotties

Because it is that time of the year, here are a few of your favorite and ours. Horror Movie Hotties! Thanks to Uncle Buck for putting the great list together. How many can you name? My score was 14, not bad, can you do better?

Now if you’re looking to get your hands on a published version of TOsports, you better get out there and pick one up, I know you want to! In the next few days The Captain is The Paperboy as he distributes “The Magazine” around the GTA and beyond.

Look under Magazine in the Navigation Bar and click on “Where to Get it” and you will see a list of the fine people that are helping us distribute TOsports. Our promo team will be in front of the ACC this Saturday. In the November issue Maria, our Cinnamon Girl, graces the cover. When you see her ask for an autograph.